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The Oscars (kinda) live-blog 2011

So I had to work the night of the Academy Awards, but thanks to the miracle of DVRs, I can still watch it, and what's more, offer you this running diary.

Nice opening montage of the best picture nominees. Scott Pilgrim vs the World notoriously absent. Why didn't it get nominated? It rocked.

The traditional host-spoofing-movies montage. Like all other years, we get a couple of good one-liners and a whole lot of blah. I totally agree that having Morgan Freeman narate dreams. That would rock.

The hosts walk out in their whole formal wear thing. Anne Hathaway. . yum. James Franco is aparantly still in character from Pineapple Express.

Franco's grandma completely blows her line about Marky Mark. Sad.

Tom Hanks out for the art direction award. Alice in Wonderland was pretty good, as was Inception. Didn't see the rest. Alice wins. I'm sure renowned 19th century mathematician Louis Carroll would be pleased.

The next one is cinematography, also known as the one that is not at all going to be noticed.

Inception wins. Wally Pfister is wearing glasses on his head. I'm sure Joan Rivers will call that a fashion don't, but screw her.

Kirk Douglas is here to deliver some rambling, incoherent speech. What does it say that the only thing out of his mouth I could make out was the pass at Anne Hathaway.

He's also here to give out the award for "best actress. . .supporting actress award," as it is now evidently called. Helena Bohnam Carter looks unimpressed with the clip of her they show. Never even heard of the next nominee. Jackie Weaver? who the hell is that? Never even heard of the movie.

Speed it up Kirk. I know this guy's old, but give him a wrap.

Mellisa Leo wins, and is the only one in the theater that seems surprised.

And we have our first f-bomb of the night. Way to go Melisa Leo. This should have aired unedited, but that damn big government. . . .

"Getting to know what the Academy is about." What does that mean? She learned that she had to bribe voters to win?
Anne Hathaway seems unable to control herself over the F-bomb. Get over yourself kiddo.

Justin Timberlake, who seems to be angling for an EGOT these days, admits to being Banksy. I have no idea what that means.

He and Family Guy's Mila Kunis are out to present for animated short.

Lost Thing wins. I'm sure it was wonderful. I'm also sure no one outside of Academy voters will ever see it.

And now animated feature. Why was Despicable Me not nominated this year?

Toy Story 3 wins. I mean it was OK, but Despicable Me was way better.

He thanks those "Who embraced a movie about talking toys." Um, the embracing was done with the first movie. By part 3 I think folks were just saying "Oooh, a sequel to a movie I kinda liked"

Two guys from No Country for Old Men come out to present the writer awards. Hey Javier, learn English.

Aaron Sorkin wins. How close is he to an EGOT? He has to have the Emmy, I'm guessing no Tony, but a stage adaptation of Studio 60 season 1 could work. Next he just has to learn folk music or something.

Sorkin completely ignores the play-off music. He created President Bartlett and he can do whatever he wants, damn it.

Kings Speech takes original screenplay. He is the only person involved with the movie who remembers King George VI.

Anne Hathaway has stolen James Franco's tux. She's singing a musical dis of Hugh Jackman. It honestly kinda sucked.

James Franco in drag. He's been on stage for five minutes this entire night and him in drag is more entertaining than anything Anne Hathaway has done.

Helen Mirren and Russel Brand. Because that isn't an odd couple at all. The Brits are here to present foreign language film. Why do they always have Brtis present this award? Why not Penelope Cruz?

The Danes win. Haven't seen the movie. I'm sure it's huge in Scandanavia.

Oh Hey, Rece Witherspoon is still alive. Where's she been the past five years? She out to present for suporting actor.

Hmm, Geoff Rush going cue-ball. Christian Bale wins though. He went anorexic for a movie once.

Bale plugs the gym of the guy he played in the movie. That's kinda shady. But then so is his mountain man beard.

The President of the Academy has to share a stage with the head of ABC. That's a bit of a step down in the world isn't it? He used to be able to come out and rail on DVDs and pirating and now he has to plug the broadcast deal.

It's the award for original score. Trent Reznor got a nomination for Social Network, but Beck couldn't get one for Scott Pilgrim which included the awesome bass battle.

Reznor wins. The score sounds slightly different that the type of music he normally does.

Scarlet Johanson and Mathew McConahy out to present for sound mixing. One is a big boob, and the other. . .well.
The joke is evidently them saying the word "sound" over and over. Yeah. That was funny.

Inception wins. Lora Hirschberg also wins for best biceps. She is the manliest person on the stage right now.

Up next is sound editing, cuz those are totally two different catergories.

Inception wins again. We may have a trend here. I must say though, when I watched the movie I wasn't thinking, "Wow, great sound editing."

Marrisa Tomei is out to talk about the tech awards. She can really climb the pole, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure what that means, but Mickey Rourke brought it up at the Spirit Awards last year so it must be true.

Franco makes a joke about nerds. He must think Social Net won't win if he's burning off that joke now.

Cate Blanchett is out to present for best makeup. Something called The Wolfman wins. I'm sure their moms are very proud.

"It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar to Rick Baker, this is much better." Ah, I love it when the winners of the minor awards make jokes no one gets.

Up next, costuming, which Alice in Wonderland wins.

We have our first prepared speech. It is being delivered by someone who designs costumes for a living, and she could use some help in the public speaking department.

Wow, MOSs about what is the best song from a movie and the last person is POTUS? Good get for them.

Randy Newman out to play his nominee for best song, which sounds like every other Randy Newman song, but with a slightly different tempo. Did the Academy miss Scott Pilgrim vs. the World? Because some of those Sec Bob-Omb songs were far better than this. Especially Threshold, the one they play for the battle with the twins.

Mandy Moore out to sing a song I've never heard of from a movie I've never heard of. I'm glad I have not seen it either, because this song is pretty bad.

And now we have the short films and Jake Gyllenhaal offers advice for winning the office pool- watch the short films. Thanks, Jake.

Strangers No More wins Short Documentary. It's about refuge kids or something. Good for them.

Something called God of Love wins Live Action Short. A very nervous man with a Jew-fro stumbles through his speech.

And we have an Oscar first, someone thanks Delaware.

Franco with a shout out to NYU. Word.

Auto-tuning Harry Potter. Toy Story, Social Network and some movie about a guy with no shirt. Classic.

Anne Hathaway shows off her dress. It is nice.

Oprah. Has she some free time now or something?

She's up to present for documentary. She says it was a great year for docs, but isn't that mostly because of ESPN's 30 for 30? The best docs I've seen this year were all from them, but none of them were nominated, or for that matter eligible. I mean be honest, which was better, any of these nominees or Straight Outta Compton?

Inside Job wins. It looks like it's basically Capitalism: A Love Story without Michael Moore.

And the folks from Inside Job offer up our first political acceptance speech of the night, calling for bankers to go to jail. Why stop there? Give those guys the death penalty.

Former SNL castmember Billy Chrystal is here. He makes a bunch of jokes about Bob Hope that I'm sure are going over well with the octogenarians.

Bob Hope introduces Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. Not bad for a dead guy.

They are here to present the visual effects Oscar that will go to Inception. That was one of the bigger locks of the night. There's also a joke in there about Downey's arrest in 2000.

And Inception wins, much to the shock of no one. The winners are Brits. With all the Brits and Aussies, it's a shock they didn't have subtitles for this show.

Social Network wins for editing. And better yet, the winner's an American. Who knew, we make movies here still. OK, one of them is American, the other is another Brit.

James makes a joke about titles being inappropriate and Anne laughs way too hard.
And now the last two song nominees. Florence and the Machine performs a song that may or may not have words. Or maybe she's just really drunk.

Gwyneth Paltrow is "County music's newest star?" Wow, what a step down in life for her.

Randy Newman wins for best song. Again, not impressed. Not that I was impressed by any of these songs, but whatever.

Wow, it was a slow year for death if they're throwing an agent and a publicist in the In Memorium segment. With so few big names they couldn't offer up a little more time for Dennis Hopper?

Hillary Swank is out to introduce Kathryn Bigelow who is out to present for best director.

Kings Speech wins. Often best director is a predictor of best picture, so who knows. He thanks his mom. Aww. Also, like every other winner and presenter tonight, he is British.

Annette Benning is here to talk about the Governor's Awards. The Academy feels these are so important they give them a whole two minutes on the broadcast a year after the fact and don't allow the winners to say anything.

And in the biggest upset of the night, Anne Hathaway shows up for back-to-back segments in the same outfit. Seriously, who came up with the idea that the host has to change every five minutes.

It's the Dude! Jeff Bridges will present for best actress. He'll always be the Dude to me.

Natalie Portman wins. Who would have guessed that? Oh yeah, everyone. BTW, she may have been in one best picture nominee, but she was reffered to in another. In Social Network they mention that Harvard at the time had Nobel Winners, Olympians, etc, and a movie star. She was the movie star. The more you know.

She's pregnant. Let me just say I don't even know who the guy is, but I am insanely jealous of him.

Anne Hathaway flubs the intro of Sandra Bulloch. I think we know who the better host is here tonight. Don't worry Anne, you're still insanely hot.

Colin Firth wins. Rule Britania, Britania ruling the Oscars tonight. He seems befuddled and a little scruffy looking. Isn't that Hugh Grant's schtick?

Speilberg gets to do best picture now? Bring back Jack!

The King's Speech wins. What is this, the BAFTA Awards?

OK, goodnight folks. Some choir is singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow and it's time to go. So long, suckers! And hopefully some Americans get to win next year.

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