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Electric Boogaloo. . . no, really

So it's Friday night. I could be out enjoying the town. I could be watching the Presidential debate. I could be watching Tigers- Rays or Cubs- Brewers. Nah. I'm doing none of those things. You see, right now on FLIX is the movie many people have heard of, and no one has seen- Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo. Here now, a running journal of this cinematic masterpiece. :01 The opening credits roll over a dance number. I wonder if dancing will play an integral roll in this film. I must admit, having not seen the first movie, I am at a bit of a disadvantage. :02 Kelly is played by Lucinda Dickey, best known for her role as Christie in Ninja III: The Domination. She is done with some revue she was in and goes home to get nagged by her parents. They wanted her to marry some guy named Derek, but he is a "nerd" according to Kelly. You know, these days that would be a good thing. He could fix her computer. :05 "At least she isn't spending time with those street people." At least by the time this movie was made in 1984 the racism was at least thinly veiled. :07 Kelly goes to visit her friends, Turbo and Ozone, played by Michael Chambers and Adolfo Quinones respectively. Ozone is wearing a yellow shirt with a bare midriff. Just thought I'd point that out. :08 Everyone is happy to see Kelly, and a rapper invites her to their community center called the Miracle, so the group dances their way there, inciting other various community members to dance as well, including a meter maid, some guys mowing the lawn, and several elderly women. This movie was praised for its realism. :10 At the park is a group on stage and Turbo immediately falls for the lead singer. You know how some women wear those button down shirt unbuttoned, but they tie the bottoms together for a sort of saucy schoolgirl look? Now imagine that look on a guy. And the shirt is a pastel orangish. Man, I miss the 80's. :11 They get to the community center where a helpful mime shows them around. Man, I hate it when I get the mime tour guide. :13 Evil developers are here, intent on destroying the community center. :14 They want the land the community center is on, and no where else, to build their shopping center. Wow, I haven't seen a good evil real estate developer story line since. . . .well no one has ever really been able to pull it off. :15 More dancing, and what seems to be basic calisthenics, which in 1984 evidently passed for dancing. :17 The developer's lackey meets with city hall. "But where will all those kids go?" A woman asks. "Oh, they have their clubs." :19 Inside one of those clubs, our friends are confronted by the "Electros" who, we are told, rule the dance floor now. Are they going to "bring it"? Will someone get "served"? I can't wait to find out. :20 The building will be condemned unless they raise $200,000. "So let's raise it." It's nice that we jump into the plot line so quickly like this. :21 So they'll raise the money selling flowers and washing cars. Yeah, that'll get them to the $200,000 mark. :23 "Why don't we just put on a show?" Is this movie stealing from every piece of shit sitcom ever or is it the other way around? :24 Kelly is offered a job in a dance show somewhere overseas. Will she leave? Will she stay and help her friends? This plot has me guessing. :25 The Electros are here, and sure enough, someone gets served. (or maybe they bring it. It can be hard to tell sometimes.) Their dance battle is highly choreographed and involves an homage to the movie Zulu and some fake fighting. It's so nice the two rival gangs got together to prearrange their throw down. :28 The Electros are beaten back. Whew, I was so worried. :29 "You can forget your plans, man. We're gonna stop you. We're gonna stop you cold." Spoken as if read from a cue card. Way to go Adolfo. Those weekend acting classed at the mall really paid off. Adolfo Quinones, ladies and gentlemen, the worst actor in cinematic history. :31 Ozone is confronted by some woman (his girlfriend perhaps? I can't tell) who warns him to stay away from Kelly. "Girls are wack," says Ozone. Sorry, reads Ozone. I should have said "reads." :33 Turbo asks Ozone for advise on how to get with the ladies. Something tells me Ozone is more interested in guys, but whatever. :36 Dancing with a life-sized cabbage patch doll. Not awkward at all. It's not awkward unless we make it awkward. :37 But Ozone is imagining it's Kelly he's dancing with. Oh no, he was warned by random other chick. Whatever will our horribly acted hero do? :38 After inadvertently destroying the life-sized cabbage patch doll, Ozone and Turbo dance with each other. Ozone seems to be enjoying this. :39 Kelly's parents are pissed that she's dancing in the streets again. :39 Kelly invites Ozone to her parent's place for dinner. He thinks that idea is wack. :40 They arrive for dinner. Ozone is wearing a sleeveless leather jacket with a lot of metal attached to it. Turbo is wearing a marching band uniform. I wish I was kidding about that. :41 The doorbell rings. "That must be dad," says Kelly. Really, Kelly, your father rings the bell at his own house? :42 Turns out it's Kelly's fiancee. He's in law, makes a joke about everybody suing everybody, and they all over-laugh. :44 The boys tell Kelly's parents about the trouble the community center is in, giving Kelly's dad a few more chances for thinly veiled racist comments. "Those people have trouble managing money." Really, pops, reign in the whole Klan bit. :46 Turbo approaches Kelly for relationship advise, pulling the "I've got this really good friend" bit. Was that played out by 1984, I can't remember? :47 Turbo is evidently capable of defying gravity as he is now dancing on the ceiling. Well at least the plot is believable. :49 Someone who looks an awful lot like Ice T is rapping. I really hope that isn't him. :50 Shit. It is. Does that automatically make Law & Order SVU about 50 times worse knowing someone from this movie is in it? :52 Kelly tells Ozone she got the part in Paris, so he decides to be a total dick to her. Good move on his part, as total dicks always get laid. :53 Ozone's girlfriend threatens Kelly with physical violence, so she takes the job in Paris. :54 Ozone nails up a "Save our Streets" sign, then dances on the roof of the community center. I should point out that he is wearing a pink vest. This guy could be sucking Clay Aiken's dick right now and it wouldn't be any more gay. :56 The dancing leads to a dance/ protest march down the street. :59 The protest march ends at a city council meeting, where the gang violates generally established rules for public comment. :60 Should I point out that the city council is lily white? Yeah, fight the man! They rule in favor of the developers. This is wack!!! :61 in a stunning display of civil disobedience, when a survey crew shows up, Turbo runs off with either some high-tech survey equipment or the guy's lunch. They chase him. :62 Turbo falls down the stairs while fleeing from the survey crew. Will the horrors never end? :63 News reaches Kelly as she's packing to go to Paris. She blows off the flight to go see him in the hospital. :64 Some weird dance routine in Turbo's hospital room. You don't see that on ER. :65 The nurses get involved. Well, I think they're supposed to be nurses. Instead of wearing what real nurses would wear, they wear those nurse outfits strippers and sorority chicks at holloween parties wear. :66 The dancing infects some surgeons just as their patient flatlines. Luckily the dancing infects the patient as well and he sits up and walks out of the room. That'll be one for the medical journals. :69 Kelly's racist dad offers to pay off the $200,000 to save the community center if Kelly stays away from Ozone. So of course they turn him down. :70 "One of those public projects that takes good money and throws it down the toilet." Kelly's dad- not just racist, but also a Republican. :72 Turbo gets his girlfriend to break him out of the hospital. That's how important this community center is. Or maybe he just doesn't have health insurance, seeing as how it appears he is unemployed. :73 Kelly and Ozone's girlfriend have a confrontation. C-c-c-c-c-c-c-catfight!!!! :75 Here come the bulldozers. The gang tries to stop them with the power of dance. Dance it turns out, not so powerful. :76 Like Tank-man five years later, Turbo stands in front of the bulldozer and convinces the crew to stop. Well maybe it's more like the protests in Moscow in '91 where Yeltzin's crowd beats back the hard-liners. Ah, who cares. :77 Here come the news crews. Always my favorite part, when movie producers completely botch the job of depicting what I do for a living. They do a live shot with no mast, or tuning in, or running cables. These guys are magicians! :79 Thanks to the power of extortion, the evil developer is egged into donating $10,000 and backing off the project. :80 More dancing!!! And the show is picked up on live TV, 'cuz you know, that would happen. :82 Ice T is back. And he appears to just be opening for a little boy dressed like Michael Jackson, which is wrong on so many levels. :84 The show is so wonderful it even inspires Kelly's dad to change his ways. "Those people really fight for what they believe in." Was that racist? :85 Even the rival gang is here to help out. That's the power of dance. Well, dance and shitty writing. :87 Kelly's dad shows up. Either they live a lot closer to downtown that we were lead to believe, or in 1984 one could drive from the suburbs to downtown in three minutes. :88 He pitches in a check for $50,000, putting them over the $200,000 mark. Yay, the Klansman is the big hero. That hasn't happened since Birth of a Nation. :90 And the shitty 80's music swells, balloons float skyward, and the credits roll. It may be a horrible movie, but at least it's short. So there you go. It is truly shocking this movie didn't get more of a push come Oscar time. Really, what's Amadeus got that this movie doesn't, other than better writing, better acting, better cinematography, and the fact that this movie just generally sucks. I highly recommend you check this out, just as long as you're drunk.

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