haas's wit

Top 10 Albums of 2013
Dec 18, 2013

Top 10 Albums of 2012
Dec 27, 2012

Top 10 Albums of 2011
Dec 19, 2011

Pool Reinstated as Wopat Head Coach
Dec 08, 2011

Coach Pool Out of Mental Facility
Nov 23, 2011



Fake cover letter

I wrote this up earlier this year just for the heck of it...it's a definite stress relief for anyone who's had to go through the fun that is sending out hundreds of resumes, only to hear back from maybe three or four places, if you're lucky.  I thought how funny it would be to actually send a gag cover letter out to a company you know you have NO shot with, just to screw with the guy reading them.  I never actually sent it out though.  Maybe someday! 

To Whom It May Concern: 

My parole officer recently brought to my attention that your station is hiring, so please accept this as my letter of application for the Reporter position for WJWP.  Iíve seen reporters on the TV and I think theyíre really cool. It would be nice if I could get a job.  Because if so, I would finally have something to live for.

Iíve recently graduated from Northern Michigan University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Broadcasting and Journalism, so that would probably be the equivalent of someone graduating from Clown College or the American Bartenderís Institute. (It should be noted that I attended a semester at the ABI but flunked out after repeatedly failing to remember the ingredients in a Long Island Iced Tea.)

I feel I would be a great asset to this station.  I can read at a sixth grade level, I only have minor drug problems, and my psychiatrist thinks I no longer pose any danger to people.  I guess Iím legally required to tell you that Iím a registered sex offender, but that was only because I got caught jerking off at a bus station, no big deal.

I often lie awake at night and wonder what the hell happened to my life, but thatís my problem, not yours.  I assure you that Iím the man for the job, if you can put up with a few hours of uncontrollable crying at the office every day. 

Iím done with sleeping around 11:00 am.  Please call anytime after that to set up an interview.  Maybe we can meet for lunch or something, since I havenít been able to afford food in weeks and will snap if I donít eat soon.  On a positive note, my doctor says that Iím about two weeks away from having pain-free urination, so Iím really starting to turn a corner, I think.  Thank you for the consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.  If I donít get this job, Iíll shoot myself in the fucking head.  Well, have a nice day!


James 'Fasthands' Pool

comments (1) 08-23-2004

The People's Comments:

too much detail not to be legit...