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Wrestlemania XI

I was gonna try a high-concept idea for my viewing of the 11th Wrestlemania...you see, this show is so brutal to watch that I was gonna get a 12 pack and start drinking throughout the show to numb myself from the pain.  But then when I sat down to watch the show, I realized it was 11:00 in the morning and I'm not from Green Bay, WI so never mind.  I'll just have to tough it out...

The only thing of interest going into this show was the transition of the WWF title from Bret Hart to Bob Backlund (having snapped and became the coolest bad guy in awhile) to Diesel, now a good guy after splitting apart from Shawn Micheals.  Vince tried the Hogan route with Diesel, giving him a push to the moon and a run with the title, whether people wanted it or not. 

Oh, and there was the whole Lawrence Taylor thing too.

Wrestlemania XI (April 2, 1995)

We're live from Hartford, CT.  At this point the popularity was down in the shitter, so they had to do the biggest show of the year from just a generic arena.  Our announcers are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.  A girl from the special olympics kicks things off with "America the Beautiful."  Well, she was better than Rockin' Robin.

Match 1: Lex Luger & The British Bulldog vs The Blu Twins

They teamed Luger & Bulldog up probably because neither one had anything better to do.  The Blu Twins were actually twins, but their names weren't really Blu.  I feel dooped damnit all.  If you've never seen this show, there are TONS of photographers around ringside for this show...because of LT but for some reason they're down there the entire night.  After a few minutes of blah, the Bulldog gets the pin on one of the twins after a sunset flip off the top over Luger.   

Match 2: IC Championship: Jeff Jarrett vs Razor Ramon

Whoa, who's that guy that looks vaguely like the guy in TNA that's won the title like 27 times?  Jarrett has "The Roadie" with him; before he figured out how to get over by repeating a catchphrase a billion times in a row.  And Jarrett does refer to him as "Road Dog" in the pre-match interview, so the seeds were there I guess.  Ramon brings the 1-2-3 Kid with him, who I'm sure you all know went on to greater fame when he actually had sex with Chyna and filmed it.  So we're all thankful for that.  Jarrett and Razor traded the IC title back and forth a few times during this period and had decent matches.  For some reason the Kid's wearing kung-fu action pajamas.  After some monstrous interferring from ol' Road Dog Jarrett finally gets DQ'd keeps the title. 

Match 3: The Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy

Yeah, they brough back the human penis man in 1995.  This was during the "bad guy steals the Undertaker's urn, Undertaker takes it back, and then another bad guy steals it again" angle that seemed to stretch out for about...13 years or so?  It seemed that long anyway.  For some reason they got a baseball umpire refereeing this thing.  I don't care.  So Ted Dibiase is Bundy's manager here, and he has the magical urn with him.  The Undertaker gets it back during the match, but then Kama, the Supreme Fighting/Pimping Machine runs down and steals it back.  I don't care.  The Undertaker ended up winning with a flying clothesline.  Probably because Bundy was too fat to pick up for a tombstone.  See, he could still beat Bundy after he had his precious urn taken away again, what was the point of having the damn urn angle again?  It doesn't make sense if 'Taker's still gonna decisively win all of his matches.  Wait, I don't care, never mind.

Match 4: Tag Team Championship: The Smoking Gunns vs Owen Hart and ???

Well, if you enjoy seeing Billy Gunn when he had a huge mullet and a sleazy porno mustache, this is the show for you!  Owen got a shot at the tag titles and he promised a mystery partner for the big show.  And it would turn out to be...Yokozuna.  Cool.  The Gunns shit their pants in fear and Yoko takes one of them out with the bonzai drop, tags Owen in, who initially wants to put the sharpshooter on but notices the guy's dead so he simply covers for the win and the titles.  And dig that huge pop from the crowd!  Either they liked Owen & Yoko or they just HATED the Gunns.  Guess which one I think is true?

Match 5: I Quit Match:  Bret Hart vs Mr. Bob Backlund

They bring out Roddy Piper to be the special guest referee for this one...2nd year in a row for him as a suprise guest ref for no reason.  Hart and Backlund exchange submission moves with Piper sticking the microphone in their faces every 10 seconds to see if they quit or not.  Backlund ends up getting his finisher on Bret (the cross-face chicken wing) but Bret reverses into his own and Backlund submits.  Even though he didn't say "I quit."  Piper just asked him if he quit and Backlund said "Yes!"  So...what was the point of the whole "make them say "I quit" thing again?  On a sidenote during Backlund's awesome heel run me and my friends at school used to have "cross-face chicken wing contests" where we'd see who could and couldn't get out of the move...there were no rules either, so someone could sneak up on you at anytime and slap the move on and you either broke the hold or you lost.  But I can't remember how I did because like a lot of things from high school I learned to block it out.

Match 6: WWF Championship:  Diesel vs Shawn Micheals

It's the champ taking on the guy he used to boadyguard for.  But wait...we gotta get to the 28 people they brought in as guest celebrities.  Guest ring announcer?  One of the guys from NYPD Blue that wasn't Dennis Franz or Jimmy Smits or David Caruso or Ricky Shroeder or the dude from Saved By The Bell.  Guest timekeeper was one of the little punks from Home Improvement.  And finally for the guys we got Jenny McCarthy walking HBK down to the ring, and we got Pamela Anderson with Diesel.  And DAMN were they looking good back then.  They're both seated next to each other at ringside...don't they hate each other in real life?  If so I'm sure that had to be a fun twenty minutes or so.  HBK also has a returning Psyhco Sid with him as his new bodyguard.  This was Shawn's first shot at the world title and he makes it memorable, bouncing around like a maniac to make Diesel look good, but it only makes HBK look good to the eyes of the cynical wrestling crowd.  Chants of "Shawn" and "HBK" can be heard throughout the match, and when Diesel makes his big babyface comeback the crowd BOOS.  Yeah, that's not good for a champion at the biggest show of the year.  Ah well, Diesel wins anyway.

Main Event:  Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow

Oh, but before we can get to this mat classic the celebrity train rolls through again and we get Salt N' Pepa doing a version of "Whadda Man" but with LT-related lyrics instead!  Hey, give Bigelow credit, he got a main event slot at a Wrestlemania for doing basically nothing for the last few years.  But he was willing to put over LT so at least he got a nice payday out of it.  And someone explain to me how Bam Bam can die early but friggin' Lawrence Taylor is still alive??  Bigelow has Ted Dibiase and the entire Million Dollar Team at ringside.  If you don't know the million dollar team, it's quite frankly the most awesome, talented, dangerous faction in the history of wrestling...consisting of Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, Tatanka (now an evil Native American), IRS, Kama the Supreme Fighting/Voodoo Machine, and Nikolai freaking Volcoff.  Wow, someone call the hall of fame as they've made an obvious oversight there.  LT has his All-Pro Team in his corner; consisting of a bunch of football players.  The only ones I remember (after just watching it 45 minutes ago) are Reggie White, Chris Speilman and Mongo McMichael!  Forgot Mongo was around for this before going to WCW to do commentary.  Anyway, this match isn't actually too bad considering it's a celebrity match.  Bigelow sells like a champ and makes LT look halfway decent.  LT wins with a flying forearm from the top.  I'm pretty sure this was covered in the shoot interview.

Match of the night: Ugh...I guess Razor/Jarrett if you put a gun to my head

Mark-out moment of the night: None really, but I did enjoy watching Jenny & Pam so that's something

Summary:  One of the worst Wrestlemanias ever.  A few of the matches were alright, and HBK/Diesel was good but that's pretty much it.  And sadly it got worse the next year!










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