Wopat Presser Week 4
Coach Pool walks out in front of his still-empty press room. Ron Dayne is in the background half-asleep.
JP: As you saw a few days ago, our beloved intern decided to leave our organization and join in on the Wopat bashing that's become as common around this league as the casual bending of the FFF's sexual harassment policy. And since Huggy Bear over here doesn't know how to read, I guess I'll be asking my own questions this week.
RON DAYNE: Hey...
JP: Alright here goes...You've gotten off to a slow start with another loss last week against the Deezies. Care to make a comment? Well, I think offensively the team is playing as good as we've ever been. We've averaged over 140 points per week after the first 3. But our defense is dead last and that's unacceptable. Perhaps Patrick Willis got a big head after all the good seasons he's had and decided to coast for all I know. But something has to be done. Mayo can't tackle everyone, you know. Those numbers Welker put up against us last week were just wrong. The loss of Kenny Britt has to sting, huh? Boy, you got that right. That was a devastating loss. We're hoping Nate Burleson can step up but if not we just signed some other WR's looking for opportunities. Maybe we'll catch lightning in a bottle or something. Why does everyone hate you and your team so much? Oh I don't know, probably jealousy. I have won three titles, you know. Not one, not two, but three. No one has done that. Yeah, but no one cares. No reporters show up for your press conferences, coaches think you're a joke, and your owner has no respect for you as a human being. Yeah I know, right? What the hell is going on? I've won three titles damn it all! And the two coaches around here doing the most trash-talking haven't won ANYTHING! They've been spectacular failures in the playoffs! And reporters don't wanna cover this team anymore? The owner barely pays me more than the guy that scrapes dead animals off the highways? What am I, Rodney Dangerfield? What the hell more do I need to do to prove I'm a good coach? You want me to go get Gene Hackman and help coach up a bunch of jerks to win a state basketball title in Indiana? Should I start lining up 4 WR's on one side and force the other team to cover Tweeter one on one? And how in the BLUE HELL can Coach Young still make collusion jokes about my team and the Dolphinzzz? I picked last in the draft! We've had to play a damn murderer's row of opponents over the first 4-5 weeks of this friggin' season! And that was really a low blow making fun of me and my hoodie, I always thought I looked stylish in that goddamn it! This crap has to stop, you little bush league ham n' eggers are driving me NUTS! I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!
Coach Pool screams and walks away in a huff.
RON DAYNE: Damn...Coach just had an old school panic attack, yo. Straight up.