Coach Sims walks up to the podium, along with two men in rain coats. CS- Good evening everyone. It sure is good to be back here in the beautiful Upper Peninsula. After several years wandering aimlessly through this great country of ours, we feel like we're back where we belong. We never really got the crowd support in Ojai, they just plain hated us in Clifton, We nearly got shot in Flint, and when we moved to Fenton, the town was destroyed by a tornado, so it was back to good ol' KI Sawyer for the '08 season. It's good to be back where this franchise enjoyed our greatest seasons, frankly, this feels like home. Q- Coach, isn't it true the team was about to play somewhere else this season? CS- Well, to be completely honest, we did have an agreement in principal with Middleburg, Florida, however in the aftermath of Tropical Storm Fay, Middleburg is now under five feet of water. We contacted the league about allowing us to play water polo instead of football, but they vetoed that idea. Also, buying scuba gear for all our players and staff would have been quite expensive. Q- Isn't it a little strange that a natural disaster should hit this franchise in its new home for the second year in a row? CS- Now I will not have any talk of curses! Q- I never said anything ab. . . CS- We contacted Plaxico Burress and he said he wasn't upset at all about that trade all those years ago. Q- Wasn't it Hines Ward? CS- Eh, one of 'em. What's the difference. What matters is, there is no such thing as the curse of Plax Burress and/ or Hines Ward. We keep losing because we wouldn't let a local bartender from bringing his pet billy goat to a playoff game once. It's nothing more sinister than that. Q- Any comment on rumors that you were close to being replaced? CS- Now, I'm not going to feed into what ultimately was mere speculation. I had a good sit-down with our GM, Matt Millen, and he said he had the upmost respect for me as a coach, and that I had his full support. Q- Was that before or after Bill Parcells turned him down? CS- After. Q- Are you on a short leash, so to speak, this season? CS- I wouldn't say that. I mean sure, Charlie Weisz was measuring my office for new carpet the other day, but I'm sure that means nothing. Q- What are going to be your main priorities in this draft? CS- Getting Clinton Portis. entire press corps looks shocked. Q- Serious? CS- I'm kidding. No, we set up a state of the art, top notch war room for this draft. We had video on every football player available, full statistical breakdowns, we took into acount bye weeks, and playing against weaker competition. We even looked for guys who put up big numbers in December. Unfortunately we put our war room in Middleburg, so it's now. . . you know. . . under water. So we're going to just wing it. Q- Are you even going to make it for the draft? CS- Well, I will be in Washington, DC that night so probably not. Q- What are you doing in DC? CS- I'm a big political nut, as many of you may know, so I wanted to check out the Democratic Convention. Q- Isn't that in Denver? CS- Shit. I already booked the flight. Well maybe I'll just go to a Capitals game instead. That Alex Ovechkin is the bomb. Q- It isn't hockey season. CS- God damn it. Well, I guess I'll just sit in my hotel room jacking off all night. Q- Wonderful.