Presser for Team Stoppable
As a projector screen lowers down from the ceiling a hush comes over the reporters. When the screen illuminates we see none other then LaDainian Tomlinson sitting in front of his locker in Stanley Cup Champs' colors.
LT: Hello, I'm here today to introduce someone very special to me, but first let me tell you what I know. Last year Steve Mariucci made a bet. A bet I'm sure he thought was in the bag. As it turned out he not only lost that bet, but his job as well.
But that's not the only thing that happened. Because of that I lost my opportunity to play for what is arguably the best coach to have ever coached in the FFF. Sure he might not be the most winning or even played in the finals. But every player in the league wants to play for him. There's just something about his teams.
When I was trade away to what is the worst coaching tandem to ever coach in the FFF, I was heartbroken. You can see this in my early games I was a huge disappointment. That was until Coach Young called me up. He said to me, "Big Pimp... what's going on? You are playing like you Coach C-Deezy in a Cat House: you know; hiding in a corner and missing all the action. You are a great player, you've got to play like a great player!"
The truth is I had no faith in the colors that I wear today. I wanted to be on a Coach Young team. I wanted to know what it was like to be on a team that at least thinks they can win. As it turns out I'm playing the first place team instead of being on it.
I just wanted to tell my side of a very sticky story. Speaking of sticky...
Coach Young steps up to the podium with in his crisp red shirt.
CY: Thanks LT. I wish you could have been on our team. Though I do take great pride that we finished up the regular season two full places ahead of the SCC. If you get a chance please run into Coach C-Deezy with a dropped shoulder.
I called this press conference to reassure the public that Team Stoppable will be facing Deezies fa Sheezies on December 24th. You may think to yourself that I am looking past both the Fan Club and Kennel Club. But as we all know, I pass up on any club that doesn't have girls. And last I heard both Coach Trenkle and Coach Pool where sleeping in the same bed... if you know what I mean. As of the Deezies, we are one and oh this year with them. Mark my words we will be two and oh before this season is over.
We've been setting up this show down now for 5 years. And I think it's time we finish it ! If you really think about it it's really social commentary. Who are the real winners? The over-the-top headros or the ambiguously gay? December 24th will be the date that question will be answers.
R1: Frank Jackson, Marlette Leader. Coach Young why would you call LT -- who your front office traded away -- to tell him he needs to stap out of it?
CY: I've had a pretty good relationship with LT, he's been to many of my private functions. I didn't want to see his value drop next year because he takes this year off.
R2: Jack Frankson, Detroit Freepress. Follow up on that, what do you think of that clearly stupid trade?
CY: Honestly, it hurt us. But we are in the playoffs, so we can't look to the past and be all pissed off because the Wings lost.
R3: Rank Fackons, Flint Journal. Coach, what did you mean by "Coach Trenkle and Coach Pool where sleeping in the same bed"?
CY: Well Rank, I'm saying Kevin and Jim are gay.
R3: That's all you were saying about that?
CY: Sorry let me add to that, I think with all due respect my colleague Coach Pool is the catcher. Next question.
R4: Jason Frank, Marlette Times. Coach, I know you said you are looking past both the Clubs, but the Fan Club has a history of thuggery. do you really think you'll come out of this game unscathed.
CY: What? That little catcher has nothing on Stoppable ! The most many guy they have on that team this year is Jeff Garcia. The only way to make that guy look straight is to stand him next to Coach C-Ditzy.. err.. Deezy. If he wants a fight, I'll just send Hayes, White, and Young off the bench. It'll be over quicker the the Arrested Development.
R5: Frank Jason, Rainbow Times. Coach, you seem to be calling everyone gay today. Don't you think some will find that sort of talk homophobic?
CY: Frank, some of my good friends are gay and they are all very sweet girls.
R5: Umm... oh nevermind. How about this one. Do you think it's wise to stir up Kennel Club, by saying you are looking past them?
R5: Coach Trenkle's team Vic's K9 Kennel Club.
CY: Yeah, like they matter.
R5: They did finish number two in the league.
CY: He doesn't have his brother this year, so he'll stall out again, I'll be surprised if they get out of the first round.
R2: Coach, why have you been so subdued they season?
CY: I don't understand the question.
R2: You know, no sex, drugs, rock-and-roll?
CY: Oh that... no that's still going on, I'm just inviting you yahoos to it anymore.
R1: Getting back to your distaste towards Coach C-Deezy, why do you seem so excited to play him in the finals?
CY: Well as I've made public this year, this will be my last year in the FFF. I can't think of a better way to drive this so-called wannabe rapper crazy then winning and retiring. I'll prove once and for all that God hates gays.
R5: God hates gays?
CY: Well maybe, just the male gays. Anyhow that's enough for today. The next time you'll hear from me is after the season is over.