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C-Deezy press conference, 11-21-07

(Several reporters are seated in what appears to be a very large and recently-renovated press room, engaged in conversation while waiting for the press conference to begin. Suddenly, the floor at the front of the room opens up to reveal an orchestra pit, complete with full orchestra. The orchestra starts to play an instrumental version of "In Da Club" as fireworks begin to go off behind the stage. As the music reaches a crescendo, C-DEEZY FA SHEEZY descends along a grapple line from the rafters, a la Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania, wearing what appears to be the bastard child of a zoot suit and a disco ball. He lands just behind the podium, struggles with disconnecting himself from the line for a moment, dusts himself off and steps up to the podium.)

CD: Yo, yo, yo! Mr. fa Sheezy's in tha house, y'all! Let's get the presser started, on tha real! Who got the first question, yo?

REPORTER 1: Coach Deezy, what is your reaction to the cancellation of your radio show and the events that led up to it?

CD: Yo, I ain't got nothin' to say about that. It is what it is, yo. All I know is that y'all be way too eager to get y'all panties bunched. The way some of y'all pissin' and moanin'... y'all actin' like I done traded away our 1st-round draft pick or somethin', yo.

REPORTER 2: Coach Deezy, can you explain why you refused to shake Coach Chiquet's hand at the end of Sunday's game?

CD: Yo, that was just a misunderstandin', yo. I thought the game was ovah, so I let Jimmy handle the B-I while me and Ray (Lewis) went back to the locker room to celebrate. Next thing I know, High Life (Zach Miller) comes burstin' in, tellin' us we need to get back on tha field. And Ray was like, "It's over, we won." And Miller was like, "No, it ain't." Come to find out that Selvin-Eleven (Young) done sprained his vuh-jay-jay while runnin' out the clock, so we ended up bein' charged with an injury timeout and leavin' time on tha clock... like they was gonna score 60 points or somethin'.

REPORTER 2: Actually, I was wondering why, when he extended his hand at midfield, you flinched and hid behind a nearby referee.

CD: That wasn't no flinch, yo! That was a hood five! I ain't afraid of no Coach Chiquet! He wanna take anotha swing at me, I'm ready! He ain't gonna catch me nappin' like last year, yo! That was a cheap shot!

REPORTER 3: How do you respond to Coach Chiquet's charge that you have, quote, "anger issues"?

CD: I ain't got no anger issues, dog! I been keepin' my nose clean, and I ain't assaulted nobody in a long time! In fact, y'all cain't even remember the last time I done hit somebody!

R2: You kicked the crap out of me two years ago when I asked you about your rematch against Team Swamp Balls.

REPORTER 4: Yeah, and you gave me a "driveby" three years ago.

CD: Damn, y'all know how to hold a grudge, yo. But it's been a long time since I done hit one'a y'all!

R1: That's because you haven't done a press conference in almost two years.

REPORTER 5: What about that one he was going to do last year?

R4: You mean the one after he got arrested in Cooter County, when he didn't take any of our questions?

R2: Yeah, because we asked him about the coming-out party...

CD: (jumping down from the podium) THAT'S IT, YO! (kicks R2 in the chest, doubling him over, then lifts him and powerbombs him, holding on and turning the hold into a Texas cloverleaf) DEEZY FA'EVER SHEEZY, YO! Y'ALL BETTAH RECOGNIZE! WORD LIFE!

R2: Aaagh!! Aaaagh!!


11-21-2007

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