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Deezies Sports Limited press conference 10/6/05

(The room is abuzz with chatter. Deezies Sports Ltd. President CARSON RIZOR enters and steps up to the podium. Several reporters begin to shout questions.)

CR: Hold on, hold on. I know you all have questions, and I promise to answer as many of them as I can, but first, allow me to read my prepared statement... ahem... "The entire Deezies organization is surprised and disappointed by the allegations that have surfaced over the past twenty-four hours and in the manner in which they were made. I can say with confidence that Coach C-Deezy fa Sheezy would never ask his players to harm anyone before a game and, as an organization, we would never condone such an action. While we regret the injuries to Mr. Jurevicius, to suggest that anyone associated with our organization is responsible for his injuries is to border on the irresponsible. To do so in a public forum, outside of the processes established by the league demands that we seek compensation. We fully intend to file a grievance with the league office against Coach Mariucci, the -1 Insightful franchise, and their management at Open Source Technology Group, Valerie Williamson and Richard Marino. It is our hope that the league will take appropriate action so as to discourage future slanderous acts of this nature." I will take any questions that you may have at this time. (Several questions are shouted. CR points at a reporter in the front row.)

R1: Mr. Rizor, are you denying responsibility for Jurevicius' injuries?

CR: There's no evidence that anyone associated with the Deezies has had any interaction with Mr. Jurevicius this season. He probably hurt himself playing with his kids like he does every year. Next... (several questions are shouted) You, over there.

R2: Coach Mariucci claims that he has a signed confession from one of your players that implicates C-Deezy fa Sheezy. Could you identify the source of that confession?

CR: You'll have to ask Mr. Mariucci about that one. We know nothing about a signed confession and would not be surprised if it were something that -1 Insightful made up. You, in front.

R3: Mr. Rizor, can you explain why one of your players would brutally assault a member of an opposing team?

CR: Once again, there's no evidence that anything of the sort ever happened unless it was on the field. Look, we had injuries too. Drew and Fitz both had leg injuries from running up and down the field the whole game. Even our defensive guys got hurt... Bulluck made so many tackles that he had to pull himself out. Injuries are a part of the game. You've got guys in the 200-300 pound range going at each other full tilt and something's bound to happen. The fact is that -1 Insightful isn't playing at the same level as the rest of the league, and it's creating a dangerous situation for their players. If you ask me, they should do what Oscoda did and cancel their season before someone really gets hurt.

(Several more questions are shouted. CR points at a reporter in the third row.)

R4: Mr. Rizor, why do you think Coach Mooch decided to go public instead of filing a grievance?

CR: I think it points to a systemic level of incompetence. You never hear any of the top coaches complaining about injuries or using them as an excuse for poor performance. Two years ago, we lost Steve Smith on our second possession of the *season* and still made the championship game. As inept as J.D. Young was, I think Marino and Williamson are hitting new lows. Running a Fantasy Football Fever franchise is a lot harder than running SlashDot. The truth is that OSTG bought BigPerv for cheap because Young needed the money. If they had performed due diligence, they would have learned that the franchise had many, many problems that still need correcting to this day. I also think it's a shame that WXYZ decided that this so-called news was worth interrupting "Dancing With The Stars". Thankfully, I was able to flip over to WTVG, so I didn't miss anything. I really wanted to see Sara Evans' "paso doble".

R4: Sir, if I may follow up... the Deezies fa Sheezies also were accused of stealing Matt Hasselbeck from the Tin Indians. Can you comment on that?

CR: There was no "steal." Coach Pifke said he wanted a running back. Matt Leinart isn't a running back. Neither is Ron Dayne, but he's more of a running back than Leinart is. Anyway, the trade was vetoed by the league, so it's a moot point. Any further questions can be directed to our public relations office. Thank you all for your time.

(Several reporters shout out various questions as CR leaves the podium and exits the room.)


10-06-2006

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