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FFF: Deezies post-game press conference 9/12/05

(Three reporters are standing around with the sun directly overhead. COACH DEEZY walks into the frame carrying a cheap portable stereo playing an instrumental version of 'In Da Club'. CD turns off the stereo and starts to shout.)

CD (almost shouting): Hey, HEY! Can y'all hear me all the way in back? Damn, cain't even find no sound system in this hellhole, yo! I'm bettin' y'all gots all kinds of questions, but I ain't standin' out here in this hot-ass sun all day, yo! I'm feenin' to get on up outta here fa real! Whatchy'all want?

REPORTER 1: Deezy, your team was heavily favored in this game, yet was losing at halftime and barely pulled out the win. Are the Deezies overrated this year?

CD (flustered, then irritated): Holee... yo, you don't know what we had to do just to play this game, yo! We had to get out of our jet and cram into a little dinky-ass plane to fly into Grand Junction and then we had to take a couple of them short busses out here to Clifton. I don't know how anyone can live here... there ain't no clubs, yo! And I ain't down with the biker bars... me and the boys tried to hit up the Triple Tree Tavern, but that ain't my scene. Seabass liked it there, though... homey was drinkin' so much that he kept spillin' 'em on his left, yo. And whatever that slop is that they be servin' down at Fat Man's Pizza Deli & Ice... that ain't no damn pizza, and that's on tha real!

REPORTER 1: So you're blaming your team's play on your own lack of nightlife?

CD: Yo, that threw off our whole routine, yo! I had to sleep for eight hours last night because there wasn't anything else to do! I ain't had that much sleep at one time in I don't know how long!

REPORTER 2: You have some new faces on your team. What's your assessment of their performance?

CD: Yo, Westbrook is the bomb, yo. I think he had a good game... he ain't no LT, but he ain't no over-the-hill Faulk either. The Horn... I think his head's in another place right now, so I ain't gonna get on him yet. I think Sharper and Bulluck need to step it up or they gonna get the hook. In fact, I gotta exclusive fo' yo' ass: we done signed Michael Strahan to a 1-year deal, so he gonna be down with us next week.

REPORTER 1: About next week's game against Team Swamp Balls... how are you preparing for a team that blew you out at the end of last season and then did it again in the championship game?

CD: Yo... (CD rushes R1, knocking him to the ground. CD then proceeds to kick the crap out of R1.) You don't be axin' no questions like that, yo! (kick) You betta recognize real! (panting, then turning to REPORTER 3) Yo, what you lookin' at?

REPORTER 3: Uh, nothing.

CD: That's right! Y'all ain't seen nothin'! Yo, I'm gonna go hit me up some more of those Tonia's Donuts, and then I'm comin' straight outta Clifton! Word life!... damn it, where'd I put that stereo? (CD turns and sees the stereo has been smashed to pieces) Aw, snap! I ain't got no theme song, yo!


09-14-2005

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