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Oscars running blog, 2013

OK, let's DO this!

Kevin has taken a break from posting ruminations on love by a 15 year old girl on facebook to make his (often quite reliable) Oscar picks, I've got a pot of chili on and the Boilers beatdown of Northwestern is over so I can devote full attention to Hollywood celebrating itself.

Stay tuned.

7:23 CST Kristin Chenowith handling red carpet duties. Is anything more pointless. Here we are about to honor people for their artistic endeavours, so let's critique what they chose to wear tonight. I've always wanted to show up wearing leather or fur and answer "who are you wearing?" with "Well I'm not sure what the animal's name was."

7:30 CST MacFarlane opens with an attempt to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh. He succeeds, but then allegedly so did Al Gore every day for four years.

7:31 CST our theme is musicals? I better trade in my can of Sprite for a lot of booze.

7:34 CST Seth doing his best to not get invited back next year with back to back Chris Brown and Mel Gibson jokes.

7:35 CST IT'S SHATNER!!!!! In character as Kirk. And it's pure Shatner, hamming it up and wishing Tina Fey and Amy Poehler could host. Shatner warns Seth that the musical number "We saw your boobs" will ruin the show. Actually quite a rousing number, though the highlight is the reactions of the actresses named, especially the fist pump from Jennifer Lawrence. And naming Kate Winslett's entire imdb resume is a nice way to end it.

7:40 CST Charlize Theron and some guy dance while Seth sings "Just the way you look tonight." I'd rather go back to "We saw your boobs"

7:41 CST I have to say the reenactment of "Flight" with sock puppets is pretty good, especially the shot of the socks in the dryer. Also Shatner's joke about wearing black sock was OK.

7:42 CST ANOTHER musical number? Seth, Joseph Gordon Levit and some other guy sing "High Hopes." Just let Seth be Seth.

7:45 CST Seth, in flying nun outfit, hits on Sally Field. Sally doesn't get it. Some people don't get Seth's humor.

7:47 CST OK, after "Be our guest" it's time to actually hand out an award. So that's, what, four musical numbers already? The band is going to pass out from exhaustion by the halfway mark.

7:50 CST Supporting actor time and the German wins! Oh, wait, Waltz is Austrian. I think this is more love for Tarantino than the academy is comfortable with. Brief shot of Jack Nicholson who looks confused. He evidently has no idea who this guy is or who this 'Quentin' guy he keeps thanking my be.

7:55 CST Up first in the frosty mug, a New Belgium 1554. Nice black ale that tastes like fresh baked bread. Hopefully this will get me through the musical numbers.

7:56 CST Melissa McCarthy out to present something. Look, I liked her in Bridesmaids but the trailer for Identity Thief is terrible and makes me want to punch my television. When I hear the line "Sandy Biggelo. . . . Patterson" ten times a day it makes be doubt the existence of good in the world.

7:58 CST allright, the Oscar for animated short. Didn't see it.

7:59 CST Brave wins animated feature. One of the voice actors is Kelly Macdonald and just for the record Kelly Macdonald could voice just about anything and I'd watch. It must be the cute Scottish accent.

8:01 CST Your Kevin's picks update, one out of three. He nailed Animated Short. That's why he's Kevin.

8:05 CST The Avengers are here. Sam Jackson looks resplendent in his velvet suit. Everyone here should be wearing a velvet suit.

8:07 CST Some guy with long, lustrous white hair wins for best cinematography for Life of Pi. He's not wearing Sam Jackson's velvet suit though so he's not THAT cool. He is flustered as well and nearly faints before getting through his thank yous.

8:10 CST Life of Pi wins for visual effects. These of course are the stat padding categories, so the posters can all say "Winner of 4,293 Academy Awards" without specifying which ones.

8:11 CST The play off music is the Jaws theme? Cool. Considering it consists of two notes, it is the only song I can play on piano.

8:16 CST Oh, it's Channing Tatum. Having seen his appearance on SNL, I can say this man has the charisma of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. Not the presidents, I mean the carved faces on Mt. Rushmore. Channing Tatum has as much charisma as a mountain in South Dakota is what I'm saying.

8:18 CST Anna Kerinina win an award for costume design. They made Keira Knightly look glamorous which I'm sure took minutes.

8:20 CST Two Brits win the Oscar for makeup and hair for working on Les Mis? The French would be furious.

8:21 CST Seth makes an anorexia joke that falls flat. Flat. Get it? Anorexia, flat? Humph.

8:23 CST You know your Bond montage (Bondtage?) is complete when even George Lazenby is included. The 50th anniversary of the franchise is honored because the Oscars couldn't be bothered to honor any of the individual movies over the last half century.

8:27 CST Shirley Bassey bringing the pipes! Dang.

8:32 CST The Academy made all of the live action shorts available to voters on DVD. They of course are not available to anyone else so here are a bunch of Oscar nominated films you will never see.

8:37 CST Even when introducing best picture nominees Liam Neeson seems angry. Someone buy that guys some cake. You can never be angry when you have cake.

8:41 CST "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth." OK, that was good.

8:44 CST "Searching for Sugar Man" wins documentary. Deeeee-troit, represent! Many of the nominated docs are up on Netflix now. I saw "How to Survive a Plague" last week which is good. I really want to see this one, 'cuz, you know, Detroit.

8:49 CST Up next in the frosty mug, Sam Adams Cream Stout.

8:50 CST A movie with a French name wins for best foreign film but like Cristophe Waltz, it too is from Austria. Big night for the Austrians, which is not something folks say much outside of the winter Olympics.

8:52 CST Wow, the Oscars orchestra can't even get a seat at the Oscars? They're up the street at the Capitol Records building. That's just mean, man.

8:53 CST It's a montage of musicals! If you read my not award winning every Oscar winner ever series here at LWJ a few years back, you know just how much I like musicals. Someone shoot me.

9:00 CST OK, evidently the celebration of the musical is just a bunch of songs from musicals. Seems half-assed. And by the way, Chicago and Dreamgirls? The best musically inclined movies of recent years have been "Once" and "It Might Get Loud" not that the Oscars would notice.

9:01 CST And if we're celebrating a song from Les Mis, at least have the decency to do Master of the House.

9:05 CST One Day More gets a standing ovation as French flags descend over the stage. I thought the Oscars celebrating France were last year when every nominee was either set in France or directed by and staring French people.

9:09 CST Chris Pine is here making it a clean sweep of Captains Kirk on the night. Picard fans inconsolable.

9:11 CST Matt Damon out to present in a category in which Ben Afleck's movie is nominated. I just wish those crazy kids could get back together.

9:12 CST Oh, crap, that's Marky Mark. I always get those two confused.

9:15 CST It's a tie? I've been watching these things for decades and I can't remember that ever happening, though I'm sure the crack research staff and Life With Justin can figure out the last time it happened.

9:17 CST This is the third time it's happened. Streisand and Katherine Hepburn tied in best actress in 1968 and Frederic March and Wallace Beery tied in best actor in 1931. Thanks guys, great work by the lwj research staff.

9:22 CST Anne Hathaway wins for best supporting actor. Wow, who saw that coming? Oh right, everybody.

9:28 CST Up next in the frosty mug, 312

9:29 CST Oh great, it's the annual ramblings of the Academy president. If they ever feel the need to cut one thing from the telecast I hope it's this. He is plugging a new museum of movies in LA which I would like to visit sometime. CW, expect a house guest when that opens.

9:33 CST It's the editing award, often a good predictor of the big one, and it goes to Argo, so take that under advisement.

9:37 CST As Adelle belts out her one song not about an ex-boyfriend, we catch you up on the Kevin Trenkle scorecard. Kevin is 11-4 tonight. Way to go Kevin.

9:43 CST To present the next batch of best pic nominees is Nicole Kidman. With a bunch of Austrians winning awards, the producers got confused and invited an Australian. Or maybe they just couldn't think of any other Austrians. Even though they live in a state once governed by one.

9:48 CST Dan Radcliff and a possibly stoned Kristen Stewart here to present for production design. Or maybe Stewart is just naturally that way.

9:50 CST The production designer from Lincoln is married to Adelle? So HE'S the guy those songs are about.

9:51 CST Selma Hayek out to present something or other and I think she's doing a better job of annunciated because Seth just made a crack about not understanding what she says.

10:04 CST They close out the in memoriam segment with Streisand singing The Way We Were. Now all they need is Linda Richman to say she was like buttah.

10:10 CST Life of Pi wins for score. Just like Kevin called it. He's 12-5 on the night.

10:13 CST One of the nominated songs is sung by Scarlet Johanson and is from a movie about ice melting? Though to be fair, ice melting is a far more interesting subject than whatever the hell Tree of Life was about.

10:16 CST Adelle now halfway to the EGOT! Get your butt to Broadway, kid, and bring this thing home.

10:23 CST The WNBA's Charlize Theron and famed little person Dustin Hoffman here to present the writing awards.

10:25 CST Chris Terrio wins for best adapted screenplay and quickly trades the statue for a gallon of espresso. He just read off 125 names in 3.5 seconds.

10:26 CST QT, baby! Tarantino wins for original screenplay. Now he gets 45 seconds to make all of Hollywood uncomfortable.

10:28 CST We get the first "We've been here a long time" joke. If you're worried about the show lasting a long time, just cut out some of the musical numbers, guys.

10:33 CST Oh hey, it's Jane Fonda. And every conservative just shot their TV.

10:34 CST Ang Lee wins for best director not named Afleck. He wins for Life of Pi, not to be confused with Pi, directed by Darren Aronofsky which won no Oscars.

10:42 CST Jennifer Lawrence seems surprised by her own performance. Kevin has money on her. Let's see if he's right.

10:43 CST Lawrence would like to sue the Academy for that fall on the steps. Nice that she gets an award for not playing a white trash teenager. (Though Winter's Bone is awesome and go see it if you haven't)

10:45 CST Finally we get someone saying "This person needs no introduction" and then stays true to his word by not introducing someone. It always pisses me off when someone says that then goes back on their word by giving you and introduction anyway.

10:48 CST So much of a dead solid lock Meryl Streep doesn't even open the envelope before announcing Daniel Day Lewis won for best actor. Even Washington and Cooper had that look in their eye when they showed their clips like they knew there was no chance. Nice joke by Lewis about trading roles with Streep. Even better joke about Lincoln being a musical.

10:51 CST Jack presenting the big one AS IT SHOULD BE.

10:53 CST Oh swerve! Michelle Obama here to present. This is new. And pretty cool. Like I said, all conservatives shot their TV when Fonda showed up so no one watching has a problem with this.

10:55 CST Argo gets the big one. Kevin calls it again. The man is a machine, ladies and gentlemen. I have to say, it is weird to see Heisenberg in a tux.

10:58 CST Afleck breaking the land speed record for talking.

11:00 CST Well that's it folks, time to go home. We laughed, we cried, we drank, my local ABC affiliate just cut off the end credits for the news. See ya next year, when Kevin will wow us with his Oscar picks yet again.


comments (1) 02-24-2013

The People's Comments:

cdeezy:
I caught the end of "Once" recently (was on WTVS-56).  Had been completely unaware of it up to that point and am still unsure about the ending -- if there was one -- but it was definitely an attention-grabber.

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