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The What-If NCAA football Tourney, 2012
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Mar 15, 2012
Oscar Night 2007
It is Oscar night again and for the second year in a row, I will be live blogging. Check out what I wrote about last yearís awards. Also, feel free to point and laugh at where I ended up changing my mind about Crash once I actually saw it. This year I have seen all five best picture nominees, Little Miss Sunshine and The Queen a few weeks back, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Departed, and Babel this weekend, so look out for part thirteen in the My Year With Oscar Project either later tonight or sometime tomorrow. And yes, whatever ends up winning I will have seen before it technically was an Oscar winner, but I watched it during this calender year, so it counts. My project, my rules, kids.
8:30- And weíre off. We have the nominees stand in front of a white wall talking about everything.
8:31- Scorsese needs less coffee.
8:32 "Any sexual thought about the queen is a treasonable thought." Yes, and itís rather disgusting as well.
8:35- They make the nominees stand up. The still seated half of the audience is muttering under their breath.
8:36- Heeeeereís Ellen. . . Wearing one of Princeís old outfits.
8:37- now sheís rambling. She does this a lot. You know, on second thought, that outfit looks like the beat up a movie theater usher and took his outfit.
8:40- Sheís trying to make a joke about the nominees getting nervous. The joke is going nowhere, just like my life.
8:42- Who the hell is Jenifer Hudson?
8:42- Shot of Al and Tipper Gore in the audience. They are not making out.
8:43- Will Smith looks directly into the camera while laughing at a joke during a cutaway shot. What is this, the office?
8:44- Goddamn it, Ellen is singing. Whereís the remote? This never happened when Jon Stewert hosted.
8:45 Daniel Craig is introduced as "James Bond himself." Right now Sean Connery is thinking "like hell he is."
8:46 Panís Labrynth wins for Art Direction. Eh, didnít see it.
8:48 Maggie Gyllenhal claims that she had a date with a mob of magicians a few weeks back. Wow, what a ho. Oh, wait, this is just the tech awards presentation. Much shorter and much earlier than in years past.
8:49 Oh goody, some modern dance. Any event is livened with modern dance. Why canít strippers be considered modern dancers?
8:53- Back from comercial break with Will Ferrell singing a song while sporting the Ben Wallace hairdo. He and Jack Black sing about how comedies always get screwed. They do. Itíll even happen this year when Little Miss Sunshine gets hosed.
8:57- Guys hitting on Hellen Mirren. Comedy gold.
8:57- All this to get to the make-up awards? Panís Labrynth wins again. Two for two. The DVD cover can now read "winner of multiple academy awards" though it wonít mention which catergories.
8:59- Will Smithís kid and Abigail Breslin are here to present for animated short. They nail the witty, that isnít so witty banter.
9:01- A nervous Breslin flubs the "and the Oscar goes to" line which Will Smith Jr. Rips her for. Panís Labrynth does not win, mostly because it was neither animated nor short, but hey, like Meatloaf says, two out of three aint bad.
9:02 the acceptance speach manages to thank both Canada and Denmark.
9:03 the kids get to present one more. Live action short. Do you see a theme? A movie about falafel stands in the West Bank wins. It was shot in California. The dogma 95 crew would be pissed.
9:06- The first best pic nominee montage, this one for Letterís from Iwo Jima. Great movie. Clint Eastwood mentions that most of the Japanese cast and crew had little knowledge of the battle when filming began. And they said the schools were so good over there. Please. What is it, a sore subject or something.
9:11- A sound effects choir? Um, OK.
9:13- Yeah, that was kinda dumb.
9:14 Steve Carell (not Steven Colbert) is out with Greg Kinear to present for sound editing. Letters from Iwo Jima wins. The same two guys were nominated for Flags of our Fathers, which is Letters from Iwo Jima, but in English. Seriously, couldnít they just have used the same sound effects for both movies.
9:17 Some Scottish guy and Jessica Biel are out to present the award for sound mixing. I see weíre getting all the ones no one cares about out of the way first.
9:19 Dreamgirls wins. I had no interest in seeing it before, and winning an award for sound mixing isnít going to change that.
9:21 Rachel Weisz is out to present for best supporting actor. Eddie Murphy looks bored.
9:23 Alan Arkin beats out Marky Mark, Kelly Leak, and two other guys. He did do a great job with this one, and honestly this is the right choice. Hopefully itís not the only award Little Miss Sunshine wins tonight.
9:25 Ellen is walking down the aisle. Only legal in three states. She hands a script to Scorsese. He plays along.
9:26 Shit, more modern dance. Is this how weíre going to break every time? Shoot me.
9:28- All right, the Dove ad amatuer hour. Better acting by the amatuer who made the ad than by the woman introducing it.
9:29- The montage for the Departed. Great movie.
9:30 We get the performance of the first song nominee. This one is from Cars. So I guess they were a little pissed off about 3-6 Mafia winning last year and want to go back to the Disney movies for this one.
9:33- Melissa Etherige is here to sing her nominated song from An Inconvienient Truth. Itís not often a documentary gets nominated for best song.
9:36- Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore are out to talk about the environment. Cutaway of Jerry Seinfeld who is evidently still alive. So the Oscars are going green, what, the statues are recycled this year or something?
9:38 Al Gore seems set to announce something before being cut off by the band. Now THAT is funny.
9:42 Ellen jokes about the now green Oscars wanting her to recycle old jokes, so of course she chooses bad ones.
9:43- Cameron Diaz is here to present the award for animated feature. Happy Feet wins. As Iím sure Tony Kornheiser will tell us tomorrow, the penguin dance is sweeping the nation.
9:45- Few things are more sureal than the phrase "Academy award winning screenwriter Ben Affleck."
9:48- Itís a montage of how writers are depicted on screen. After last yearís montage-a-palooza we were long overdue for a montage. Unfortuanately a lot of movies about writers are rather obscure so half the audience is sitting there thinking "OK, that one I recognize. . .uh, that, uh, what the hell was that one?"
9:49- Itís time for best adapted screenplay. How the hell did Borat get nominated? Wasnít it all ad-lib? Children of Men should win. The Departed does.
9:53 evidently the writer is tripping balls right now. He gives a shout out to Lawrence of Arabia, which does in fact suck ass.
9:54 MTV reject Chris Connelly makes a horse race reference, then mixes metaphors with a battle royale reference. Then he bother Tom Hanks who wants to get the hell away from him.
9:56 Be happy none of you are in the same room as me right now. Last night me and the boys went to Mongolian Barbeque and this morning it was the Big Boy breakfast bufet. My colon is producing smells that would make a nun claim there is no god.
9:59 Ellen changed. I guess the bellhop needed his uniform back. She now has a statue in a baby carrier.
10:00- Ann Hathaway and some other chick are out to present the Oscar for costume design. There are several dozen things Iíd do to Ann Hathaway that are still illegal in most southern states. The Queen got a nomination for this one. How hard is it to come up with costumes to represent 1996 dress? Our presenters seem a bit giggly. Pull it together ladies. Based on the rule of the crappy historical epic always wins, Iíve got money on the headless French queen.
10:04 And guess what. Marie Antoinette wins. The costume designer is evidently working beverage service on the Northwest Airlines red eye to Boston after the show.
10:05 And hereís Tom Cruise. I hope someone with a tranq gun is standing by just in case. Seriously Katie, heís nuts, run away. Tom is presenting a special award to Sherry Lansing, who attended a Big Ten school. This I know because they pimp that fact on every Big Ten basketball and football game.
10:08 Wow, I never knew Sherry Lansing played the mom on Gilmore Girls.
10:10 Ellen is now bantering with Clint Eastwood. Heís running comedic circles around her. Spielburg jumps in to take a photo.
10:12 Gwyneth Paltrow is here for the cinematographer award. Are we gonna get to the major awards tonight, or is that a separate show tomorrow? Panís Labyrinth again? I guess the acting sucked, the script sucked, the movie as a whole sucked, but damn it, the cinematography, art direction, and make up kicked ass.
10:16- A modern dance tribute to Little Miss Sunshine. I thought we were done with the modern dance crap. Seriously, could they just do that dance from the pagaent scene? An 8 year old workiní it to Super Freak is a lot more entertaining.
10:20- Robert Downy Jrís five oíclock shadow is here to present for visual effects. Did he just wake up?
10:22 Pirates of the Caribean actually won something.
10:24 Ken Watanabe is out with some French chick. How the hell did he not get a best actor nomination for Letters from Iwo Jima? For that matter, how did Kazonari Ninomiya get overlooked?
10:25 Hey, another montage, this one for foreign films, because the writers depicted on screen montage wasnít obscure enough.
10:29- Actually presenting the foreign language Oscar, not the Japanese actor and French actress, but two Brits. Is the Academy trying to say they donít speek English in England. Well, theyíd be right.
10:31 Germany wins for Lives of Others, about the East German secret police. Right now the pope and Heidi Klum are clinking steins in celebration.
10:32 Ellen attempts comedy again, riffing on the modern dancers. Ellen, just give it up. Was Jon Stewert just too busy this year?
10:33 And hereís Clooney. Shouldnít he be out filming Oceans 27? Heís here to present for supporting actress. I have to say it, Abigail Breslin was just not that impressive, so Iím rooting for Rinko Kikuchi.
10:35 Seriously, who the fuck is Jennifer Hudson?
10:36 "look what god can do." Yeah honey, god and the studioís publicist.
10:40 Hereís the montage for Babel, like Crash, except it sucks.
10:42 Two more foreigners are here to present for documentary short. Hope the minutement donít know where the Oscars are being held this year, or else theyíd be on this like white on rice.
10:43 Blood of Yingzhou District wins. Never heard of it. But then Iíve never heard of any of them. Who is this woman on stage, and is that smile etched on?
10:44 Jerry Seinfeld can now come out of hiding since the last episode of the OC made the last episode of Sienfeld seem half decent by comparison.
10:46 Wait, is that bald guy they keep showing Jack Nicholson? Damn. Whatís with the Britney Spears look?
10:48 Letís get used to it now, Oscar winner Al Gore. Although lets be honest, Bill Clinton should have won for best live action short back in 2000 for Final Days. Uh oh, the director is touching Al Gore. The secret service might jump him for that.
10:50 Hereís Clint Eastwood. The man has been arguably the best director in town since the early 90ís and they still play him onto the stage with the score from Fistfull of Dollars, from back when he was an actor.
10:51 Eastwood flubs his line. Abigail Breslin can now breathe easy.
10:55 Celine Dion premiers a song. Why, exactly? Is this from some film, or just because? Something about Dion just doesnít seem right. I mean Canada has a long history of producing wonderful musicians like the Barenaked Ladies. Dionís Canadian, how come she sucks?
10:58 Oh yeah, Clint Eastwood is still up there.
10:59 Enya Marconi gets a lifetime achievement award. He speaks a language few of us understand, and I donít mean music. I think thatís Italian. Are Americans eligible to be on stage this year, or just those born in other countries?
11:02 Clint Eastwood acting as translator. Actor. Director. Just not enough for this guy, he wants to work at the UN too.
11:04 I would just like to point out that in the logo for this year, the e in "Academy" has been replaced with some sort of triple semi-colon, if such a thing exists.
11:06 Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman presenting together leads to a horid pun of "Volver-ine." They present for original score, which acording to Cruz includes a nominee called either "Bubble" or "Bobble"
11:08- Babel, ah, she was saying Babel. And again we get an acceptance speech not in English.
11:09 Damn, that is Jack. What the hell.
11:10 Sid Gannis? He new? Unlike the President of the Academy speech from last year, no shots at DVDs.
11:11 Kirsten Dunst and Toby Maguire here to present original screenplay. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Yeah boy. Very deserving.
11:15 More modern dance. Shit.
11:16 More Chris Connelly. Bring back the modern dance.
11:18 Youíll notice Iím not blogging about any of the ads. Thatís because they all suck. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Not even any train wreck ads that are so bad I can laugh at them. So screw it.
11:21 Since three songs from Dreamgirls got nominated, we have to sit through them one after another. They couldnít just bring in Danger Mouse and play them concurrently as a mash up? They probably all sound the same anyway.
11:23 Beyonce Knowles on stage with a song that might be called Listen. Iím sure she would have invited all of the former members of Destinyís Child to attend, but they only let her have 15 tickets, which means 30 of her former bandmates would have been shut out.
11:25 OK, so who the hell are these people? Weíre still in the Dreamgirls medly and evidently the guy who played Charlie Young on West Wing is performing.
11:27 Thank god, itís finally over. Ellen trots out the "I donít want to follow that" line for about the third time tonight.
11:28 John Travolta is a chubby chaser. His career just fell off a cliff since Pulp Fiction.
11:30 And Dreamgirls. . . Loooooooses for best song to Melissa Etherige. Gore wins another one! Let it be known the lineage in the best song category includes Eminem, 3-6 Mafia, and now Melissa Etherige. And if it werenít for Phil Collins it could have had Trey Parker and Matt Stone as well.
11:31 We now are officially longer than last yearís show.
11:34 Montage for Little Miss Sunshine. Hereís the one Iím rooting for, even though Oscar hates comedy.
11:35 First Marky Mark, now Will Smith, wow, early 90ís rap is well represented tonight. Is Hammer presenting next with Rob Van Winkle?
11:36 Letís run the montage count up to three. This is a look at America through movies. Odd year to do it considering no Americans are winning this year.
11:38 Magnolia? Magnolia is a film representing America? Iím kind of offended by that.
11:40 And after honoring America, hereís Kate Winslet, who happens to be British. Sheís presenting the editing award, which is suposed to be the one that predicts the big winner.
11:42 Departed wins. It is a good movie. Iím still rooting for Little Miss Sunshine for the big one.
11:44 Jodie Foster is here with Meg Ryanís hair. Sheís introing the dead celeb montage.
11:45 Bruno Kirby died? Wow, didnít hear about that.
11:48 No Anna Nicole in the dead celeb montage? We did get a Naked Gun movie in the tribute to America montage so I guess thatís good enough. Itís Naked Gun 2 Ĺ and not Naked Gun 33 1/3, but still.
11:51 Ellen goes with outfit number 3. This one stolen from a pimp. A classy 90ís pimp, not some trashy 70ís pimp, so thatís something.
11:52 Phillip Semour Hoffman gets to present for best actress. Hellen Mirren is basically a lock here.
11:54 Her Royal Highness wins. Seriously, they probably etched her name on the statue three weeks ago.
11:56 Hereís the modern dance interpretation for the Departed. Sadly none of the dancers gets shot, so itís not a very accurate representation. OK, Iíll admit, I just want to see the dancers get shot.
12:00 Ellen tries once more at comedy, and once more falls flat.
12:01 Reese Witherspoon is out to present for best actor. How Ken Watanabe and Kazonari Ninomiya got shafted is beyond me. We do get Leo who was great in Departed, some guy named Ryan Gosling, Peter OíToole who has been nominated 834 times and looks scared, the Fresh Prince who is eating his hand, and Forrest Whitaker who smiles politely and shows us his golf clap.
12:04 So playing a head of state gets you a statue this year, not that Queen Elizabeth II and Idi Amin are all that similar. Forrest Whittaker seems way too nervous for this.
12:06 Speilberg, Lucas, and Nick Cageís uncle are out to present for best director. Scorsese seems nervous but smiles politely. Paul Greengrass knows he aint winning so heís just going to sit back.
12:08 About damn time. Even the announcer seems happy Scorsese finally won.
12:09 OK folks, heís been adding to this speech for about 30 years so this might take a while. Very fitting that the big names of directing hand it to him. The caffine is kicking in and now Scorsese sounds like an auctioneer.
12:11 Hereís the best pic montage for The Queen. Nice movie but other than Mirrenís winning performance and James Cromwellís performance which I though could have gotten him a supporting actor nod, there wasnít much there.
12:13 Here we are at the end. Jack accompanied by Diane Keaton. That just aint right. Jack is so cool he should be solo presenting best picture every year, even if he does look like Brittney Spears.
12:14 Diane Keaton is about to faint. This is why Jack has to do it himself.
12:14 and My Year with Oscarís latest entrant, the Departed.
12:17 And at 3 hours and 47 minutes we are outta here. Stay tuned to this blog space for the latest entrant in the My Year with Oscar program, the Departed.