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Live Blogging the Oscars

8:00- We start with the opening skit which revolves around Jon Stewart being the last choice of anyone to host. Billy Crystal and Chris Rock show up in a tent, one of two gay jokes in the first two minutes.

8:01- Our host reminds us that he was in "Death to Smoochy." Is Hollywood regretting the choice of a guy who always rips on Hollywood? Oh well.

8:03 "Bjork was trying on her dress and was shot by Dick Cheney." we only made it three minutes before our first Cheney shoots a guy joke.

8:05 Stewart says "Walk the Line" is "Ray" with white people. Jamie Fox likes the joke a lot more than Joaquim Phoenix.

8:07 Paul Giamati looks very very bored. Maybe 20 people have said to him "Hey, you're that guy from 'Sideways.' What's your name?" and he is sick of it.

8:09 We get a montage of gay moments from old Westerns. The Oscars are ripping off an NPR bit from three weeks ago.

8:11 Nicole Kidman presents for Best Supporting Actor, giving the full imdb rundown of all the nominees, thus sending the message that the movies they're up for are not as important as the movies, and in some cases the TV shows, that made them famous.

8:13 And the winner is. . . . Clooney. Matt Dillon seems pissed. Clooney says this means he won't win for Director. He better not be right because "Good Night and Good Luck is a great film.

8:21 Tom Hanks demonstrates the new way the show is dealing with the length of speaches. Not nearly as funny as the skit a few years ago with two actors singing lyrics to the song that gets played

8:23 Ben Stiller shows up wearing green pajamas. This turns out to be a joke about a green screen to intro the Oscar for visual effects, traditionally the one Oscar thrown to the big summer flick that no one remembers anymore. King Kong wins. I rest my case.

8:27 Wallace and Gromit wins for animated feature. The producers wear matching bow ties and brought along mini ties for the statues. This is sure to be listed as a fashion DON'T tomorrow morning.

8:30 It's time to hear the first of the nominated songs, this one presented by Dolly Parton's breasts. This is also known as the part of the show where you get up to grab a beer.

8:38 Here's the first scene from a best pic nominee, "Munich." Didn't see it. Seems intense.

8:41 The Wilson brothers show up to present for best live action short, thus giving us all three members of their little clique, although the Wilson's don't show up wearing green pajamas.

8:43 Two characters from Chicken Little show as part of the obligitory animated presenter segment.

8:48 Jenny Aniston is here to present the Oscar for costume design. This is the catergory ripped by a Slate article this week for always going to some period piece. "Memoirs of a Geisha" wins tonight. Yeah, picking out kimonos for everyone sounds tough.

8:51 Russel Crowe shows up to do god knows what. Hopefully he'll throw a punch and make it interesting. He intros a montage of actors portraying historical figures, something Crowe has done a lot of lately, including this year when he played Jim Braddock, a man who only was heavyweight champ because Joe Lewis wasn't given a shot when he deserved one, Tunney and Dempsey were washed up, and Primo Carnera was nothing more than a circus freak.

8:57 Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell show up to present the Oscar for makeup. Carell is wearing eye shadow. Farrell has more rouge than Tammy Faye. The Oscar goes to "The Chronic (WHAT) cles of Narnia." This offers me a chance to throw out that joke and rave about Natalie Portman's great follow up to it on SNL last night. That show is becomming better known for rap that for comedy.

9:02 The tech awards get Rachel McAdams. Really scraping bottom of the barrel for the techies. What, Pauley Shore not available. And I guess it's time for another beer.

9:04 We're up to Best Supporting Actress. Holy shit is that Jenn Lindley? She goes from the bad girl who pops Dawson's cherry to a cowboy's wife who's husband is banging another cowboy. Rachel Wiese wins. She was very good in "Enemy at the Gates" so I do not begrudge this one.

9:08 Our second best pic montage is from "Good Night and Good Luck." Let it be known I am rooting for this one to win.

9:12 Is Lauren Becall drunk or just having another stroke?

9:15 We have a skit dealing with best actress attack ads. This is funnier than almost any fake ad SNL has had in the last five years.

9:21 Charlize Theron is out to present for documentary feature. With Terrance Howard doing the honors for Documentary short, this makes both Oscars for Documentaries presented by African-Americans. Of course Howard was not actually born in Africa like Theron was. "March of the Penguins" wins. "Murderball" should have.

9:23 J-Lo makes an appearence. I cannot figure out why. Somewhere in the audience right now Jamie Fox is thinking "hey, I shoulda hit that when we were on 'In Living Color.'" She intros another song nominee. Time for another beer.

9:32 Sandra Bulloch and Keanu Reeves are here to present for art direction. Wow, a reunion of "Speed." What would they have done if Keanu was unavailable, dragged out the guy from "Speed 2?"

9:36 And here is Sam Jackson, lately seen, or rather heard, voicing the white thug Gin Rummy on "Boondocks." He's introing a montage of films that changed the world, which for some reason includes "Day After Tomorrow" which is not really in the same league as any of the others presented here. They do give some love to "The Insider" which was Crowe's best work. He had no chance of winning that year because Kevin Spacey had it in the bag, but they gave him a make-good the next year.

9:41 It's time to hear from the President of the Academy. These beers runs seem to come closer together now.

9:43 There's another shot at DVD sales from the Prez of the Academy. Give it up pal, the future is home entertainment cuz a month worth of netflix costs the same as a trip to the cinema, and netflix has a lot more selection.

9:48 Selma Hayek, still incredibly hot, presents the Oscar for best score. John Williams is up against himself. Sadly, he loses, denying us a recreation of the moment when Jim Carey beat himself out for an MTV Movie award, telling the crowd that he had stiff competition, namely himself.

9:51 We get the scene from "Capote." Another movie I greatly liked. If this wins, I won't throw the kind of fit I threw when "Titanic" won. God, "Titanic" sucked.

9:55 We get another ad for Lorne Michaels new sitcom. Lorne must be stopped.

9:57 Jake Gyllenhal takes another shot at DVD rentals. This leads into another montage. What is this, the year of honoring all the great movies of 1928-2000.

10:00 Even Stewart just made a crack about how many montages we're having. Seriously folks, good movies came out this year too.

10:03 Lilly Tomlin and Meryl Streep have been drinking too. This is a clumsy attempt to honor Robert Altman. They throw in a peyote reference. The bits that we're suposed to think are unscripted and far worse than the ones meant to be scripted. And of course we get another montage.

10:12 Altman goes on and on about how much he loves each and every one of you. Charlize Theron is getting a chance to use that pillow she has on her shoulder.

10:14 Altman's family evidently consists of Gallagher and Bonnie Rait.

10:15 We are promised that the third performance of a nominated song will be "exciting." Why do I doubt it? Also, Clooney is introduced as "Triple Nominee." Isn't he "Oscar Winner" George Clooney now?

10:16 M Night Shamalamadingdong is in an AmEx ad. If this were real life, the waitress would have poured coffee on him and told him "Village" sucked. The ad contains some freakish imagery, which I guess can count as the second peyote reference of the night.

10:23 Queen Latifah is out to present the Oscar for best song. Are her breasts almost as big as Dolly Parton's? "It's hard out here to be a Pimp" is your winner. That is really not something you would have seen ten years ago when a song from the Disney movie would have won.

10:26 Steve Colbert is back with another attack ad, this one in the sound editing catergory. I think they should really air attack ads in the weeks leading up to the show. It would make things a lot more fun. Especially in the catergories no one cares about, like, you know, sound editing.

10:27 When did Jenny Garner get tits?

10:30 So it's "Academy Award Winner George Clooney" now. In the last fifteen minutes he went backstage and kicked the announcer's ass.

10:35 Tab energy is evidently a new drink that advocates women walking around in garish costumes. Women need a different kind of energy? Wow, crappy ad.

10:38 Time for the foreign language Oscar. "Tsotsi" wins, giving South Africa it's second award, the first being Charlize Theron's for acting a few years back. And during the speach, not one shot of South Africa's most famous actress.

10:44 Here's Hillary Swank, one of three Oscar winners who won for playing a professional athlete (all were boxers). She's presenting for best actor. You think Crowe is fuming now, thinking "hey, I played a boxer this year. If Swank can win for polaying a boxer so can I." Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins for "Capote" and his portrayal was quite good, though I think David Strathairn had to deal in more subtleties as Ed Murrow. I don't think Hoffman is a bad choice though and even if this is a make-good for all the great work he's done over the years, it's more defensible than most of them. He was good in "Capote" don't get me wrong, I just think he was merely the second best actor this year.

10:53 And we get another reality show on the way, "American Inventor." God damn I hate television.

10:57 So Jamie Fox is now "Academy Award Winner AND recording star." Look, just because some actor wants to sing doesn't mean the record company has to say yes.

11:00 Best Actress is. . . Reese Witherspoon. Obviously the voters were swayed by her American sounding name.

11:08 Dustin Hoffman goes off script. Somewhere off screen a producers is sticking pins in a Dustin Hoffman voodoo doll. Here's here for the Adapted Screenplay award. "Brokeback Mountain" picks up the win. Writer Dianna Ossana is evidently high. Her writing partner seems to be constipated.

10:13 Here's Uma for the Orriginal Screenplay Oscar which goes to "Crash." Matt Dillon once again seems pissed off. I'm begining to think that's just his default setting.

11:16 Mmmmm, the hot roller skater Diet Coke ad. I wish I knew who the hell that blond chick is. Not that I would have a shot in hell mind you, but she is still very hot. And she roller skates, what more do you want.

11:19 We are up to the Penultimate award. We might get out of here by 11:30. The producers are moving it along this year. If we didn't have so many damn montages, this thing would have been done an hour ago.

11:20 Ang Lee wins for "Brokeback Mountain" and quickly tells his statue "I wish I could quit you." If things hold to Oscar tradition, "Good Night and Good Luck" is getting shafted out of the big award.

11:22 Jack Nicholson is presenting for Best Picture. He's wearing sunglasses indoors, a habit he picked up when he discovered that dark lenses obscure his vision of the Lakers getting their asses kicked.

11:23 and the winner is. . . ."Crash." WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

11:24 Matt Dillon finally smiles! An ever bigger upset than "Crash" winning.

11:29 and we sign off a mere three and a half hours after the party started, making this the shortest Oscar ceremony in the 78 year history of the event. Time for me to see if I have any beer left. Good night (and good luck).


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