Exclusive Interview with Coach Pool
The following are exerpts from an exclusive interview Yahoo sports managed to get with Coach Pool from inside the Boss Hog Mental Health Facility where he has been for the last several weeks:
On the current season: "Yeah it looks like we managed to win a couple, which is nice. If we can take out the Dolphinzzz again this weekend, we got a bye the following week so we could rise even further up in the standings."
On the head coaching carousel: "I have no problem with Trent Green, Kennison or any of those dudes. I'm the one who drafted them every year, remember? I see Patrick Willis got a win out of them last week, so who knows who the better leader is? Besides myself, of course."
On instantly returning as coach when his mental health improves: "I would expect to be on the sidelines once they determine I'm fit to check out of here. Whatever weird resentment Mr. Haas apparently has for me, I'm the one who's brought the guy three titles and a trip to the playoffs every year I've been there. Let me stress to you THREE titles. Not one, not two, but THREE." Editors note: He made us print that part specifically.
On what drove him to check into a nuthouse: "Oh, I guess it was a bunch of things. The owner never having faith in me. The local reporters having no respect for me that they stopped coming to my press conferences. Having to hang around Ron Dayne all day. Coaches constantly making references about our thuggery and collusion. I was started to get the feeling that the majority of FFF people thought the Tom Wopat Fan Club coached themselves and I had nothing to do with our success. And please don't print that I'm in a 'nuthouse,' I'm sure Coach Young would have a field day with that term."
On Coach Dub's recent complaints about the schedule balance: "Well, to be honest, I could really care less about the whole two-division thing, too. When we started the two-division format, I think that's where everyone around the league snapped and either got a superioriry or inferiority complex depending on what division you were in. Which may have been the commish's goal all along, actually. I know the commish tried his damndest to make the schedule balanced and our team plays everyone else this season, but apparently some teams got overlooked. Oh well. We've had the toughest schedule all year so far, you didn't hear us complain." Editor's note: Yes you did. They totally complained for like weeks.
On the ongoing C-Deezy contract dispute: "I'd let him sit. The team's playing better now than they ever did for that guy."
On the success of the Ex-Cons so far this season: "Well, that one's kind of a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, it's nice to see Coach Young having so much success this season. I know that guy's been working harder than anyone around the league. Even though he still has to prove he can win the big one. But on the other hand, everyone around the FFF should be afraid. You think he's hard to deal with now? Wait until he wins a title. He'll start throwing those CM Punk pipe bombs at all of us and I gotta admit that might make me shit my pants."
Anyone interested in reading the entire interview with Coach Pool can go jump up their own ass. Consistent with the reasons Pool checked into the nuthouse, there wasn't enough interest around the league to even publish this whole piece of crap article.