Deezies Sports Limited press conference 10-4-11
(DEEZIES SPORTS LIMITED PRESIDENT AND CCO CARSON L. RIZOR enters the room and stands at the podium)
CR: Thank you for coming to this press conference. I know that many of you have been asking for an opportunity to learn more about Deezies Sports Limited and our various sports teams, so let's use the next ten minutes wisely.
R1: Ten minutes?! You made us buy tickets to a ten-minute press conference?
CR: Oh, c'mon. You're acting like it's coming out of your pocket. Just put it on your expense report like everyone else does.
R1: Uh, I'm a blogger, so it *is* coming out of my pocket.
CR: I guess you should have tried harder in school instead of settling for an English degree, slappy... Can I use "slappy" now? "Slappy." That's your name from now on. Next question?
R2: We've been hearing from fans on our message boards about the recent increase in ticket prices, especially with this weekend's game being a full-price ticket. Some posters have gone as far as to call it a "blatant money grab." Could you elaborate on the reasons for raising ticket prices, and maybe offer some comfort to the thousands of fans who are staying home this season?
CR: Well, as you know, we are a privately-held company, so unless you're a CPA on our payroll, you have no idea what our books look like. What I will say is that we continue to remain on solid financial footing, and that we will continue to maximize all of our potential revenue streams. That's just smart business.
R3: But there have been a number of disputes over money that have become public in the last few weeks. Of course, C-Deezy is at the top of that list, but some of your star players also have spoken out about their paychecks. Matt Forte says you've stopped returning his agent's phone calls. And there's been buzz that Peyton Hillis sat out against the Tom Wopat Fan Club because of unhappiness with his contract, with the flu being a cover story. How are the Deezies handling these discussions, and are they causing distractions in the locker room?
CR: You know we don't talk about personnel matters in public, so I'm not going to comment on negotiations that may or may not be happening. What I will say is that we are committed to paying all of our employees at a level that reflects their contributions to our bottom line. I also want to correct something you guys have been getting wrong for a few weeks now. Even though C-Deezy is in violation of his contract, we have still been paying him. In fact, I personally signed his check last week.
R4: The Deezies have yet to lose this season, despite having a rookie coach and an unlikely starting quarterback. Could you comment on how the season is going and where you see the team in December?
CR: Well, it's very satisfying to be at the top of the division, because that's where we've belonged all along, but we all know that it's a very competitive division. I mean, you look around, and we're the only team here that hasn't won it all yet. And, really, we only have a half-game lead over The Killer, which is hardly anything, especially when they get a week off right before the playoffs. So, yes, we're happy for the early success, but everyone on the team, from the coaches to the players to all of us in management, we all understand that you're remembered for how you finish, not how you start. Last question?
R1: What the $%^&?! That's only eight minutes!
CR: Yes, we're on a tight schedule, so all of our clocks have been sped up by twenty percent. I find that we get a lot more done, but it makes Wednesdays really weird. Speaking of which, I must be going. Don't forget to stop by our gift shop on your way out -- they offer parking validation with every $200 purchase.