BigPerv's First Presser for 2005
Rev. Justin D. Young: ... to the Lord our God, Amen. *Walks off stage*
CEO JD Young: Well folks lets get right down to it. I'm sure you are wondering why we called this press conference today.
Reporter 1: *shouts* Could it be that the season is about to start. And you haven't announced a new head coach, or the rumors of yet another name change?
JDY: No no, actually, I'm here to announce our new Fall Lineup. In the eight o'clock slot Seann William Scott will star in a new reality series. We'll follow Seann while he works on the set of Dukes of Hazzard ! It will be called 'Please Kill Me', oh yeah, lower the JD2TV so we can ...
R1: ... *interrupts* Sir? We are sports reporters the only thing we watch is Hoosiers and Friday Night Lights....
R2: ... *interrupts* Hey don't forget about Tin Cup !
JDY: Tin Cup?? Is that Coach Pool? It is... SECURITY !
Coach Pool: So as I was saying before, this is going to be a great year, I think after our last few practices my men are... Wait a tick... who's that jabronii up on stage? Is that Coach *security grabs coach pool and starts to drag him off, as we hear is voice trail off* Young? You changing your team name again, what's it this time BigFags? BigQueers? BigHomos? *CP gets tossed out into the streets. Helping him up is his paid reporters* Get off me fools. Like I was saying it's going to be a great year.
JDY: *We now see an aid whispering into JDY's hear, JDY clears his throat* Fine, you want to talk football we'll talk football. Like they say I'm here to please. Now, we were going to use the JD2TV to show clips from our up coming TV all-star line up. But I see you folks are not interested. With that said I was just informed that we can patch into a live video link up with our new head coach, so my I present to you... Coach Young !!!
*Ignition by R-Kelly starts to play as the screen fades in showing Coach Young sitting in a hot tub surrounded by BigPerv's apparently topless cheerleaders smoking a cigar and sipping what appears to be a Scotch*
CY: That's right folks, I am BACK !! I'm know you are wondering about the team's new Name. Well the rumors are true, we will have a new name.
R3: *voice seems to come out of nowhere* We heard it was BigPerv is this true?
CY: JD, what was the question?
*reporters look around confused on who asked the question*
JDY: She asked if the new team name was BigPerv.
CY: Look you See, when I was asked to come back as head Coach, I said to the JD, alright, be we need a fresh start, we should...
JDY: *interrupts* ... Well it was really my...
CY: *interrupts* ... Shut the F*** up ! I told JD, we'll name the team after me. That's why from now on, we'll be called the 'BigPerv' ! That's right. If you mess with us this year we are going to F*** you up ! Right Ladies?
*camera zooms out to show the topless cheerleaders giggling. We also notice two of the cheerleaders are not to be found.*
CY: We'll also be making some other changes. Namely we will not lose to Coach C-Deezy again ! *Camera zooms tight on to CY, he seems read in the face with a vein popping out on his neck* We... will... not... F*CKING lose to that no talented sh*t stick again ! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
*Camera zooms back out just in time to see Fawn and Kiki surface wiping their mouths*
CY: And another thing ...
*CY starts to stand up.. suddenly video feed fades to black while playing 'Get It Poppin''*
JDY: Seems like we lost the footage... Well that's it for today. Thanks for coming out.
R1 and R4 look at each other and ask: no really, who the hell asked that question?